A life gone worng, a love realised too late
by Scarletmage
Summary: a bit aj. jon's sick and alanna does some serious reflecting on their relationship. it's a bit morbid, but please read and review!


A/N: these character all belong to Tamora pierce. In case you haven't noticed, I was feeling a bit depressed when I wrote this and had no intention of posting it but I feel that there are WAY TO LITTLE a/j ffs here, so I'm gonna spruce the rate up and bit. Please review, there'll be no continue though.  
  
A life gone wrong a love realised too late.  
As she stood there, a lonely figure in front of so many grieving eyes the Lioness of Tortall spared no time for the tears threatening to come for days. As she shifted her position and in the dead quiet of the hall the rustle of her pure black silk shirt, breeches and tunic was an obvious and a dominant sound in the hall. After quickly glancing to the coffin standing but a few feet away from her Alanna formed the resolution and began her speech, one that she had written only the night before.  
  
This ceremony shouldn't be happening. She thought to herself as she began the speech on Jonathan's life. I don't deserve having people think I was Jon's best friend, the most faithful. What kind of friend does what I did? She sighed for her aching heart and let herself slip into the memories as she sat down and the priest took over Jonathan's funeral.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*PAST~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"I'm going to leave now, get washed, ok?" The fever-struck head nodded weakly. "Must you go? I always feel dead when you're not here," Alanna laughed. "Jonathan, my dear friend, not even for you would I not enjoy the lavish of a warm bath. Would you rather I stink? I can arrange that you now." Jon managed a feeble chuckle. "You always make me laugh." Alanna leant down, kissed her King on the cheek and exited the royal chamber.  
  
"How is he?" Thayet's grip on Alanna's arm hurt. Prying Thayet's hand off Alanna commented, "Fine as far as I can tell. You never really know whether they are going to die until just before they do… Maybe you should spend some time with him?" She suggested cautiously. Thayet had only seen Jon once since the sickness took him while the whole court gossiped about the royal breakup and that if Jon survived what would happen. Alanna knew better, Thayet was scared of Jon's illness and the desperate look in his eyes. But what she didn't know could make all the difference in the world. "I know it's weird him being like that, but he's your husband, Thayet, and I have to go. I haven't left him for more than an hour at a time since the illness and I plan to use that time to have a good soak." Thayet nodded "I guess I'll go and keep him company then." And the queen entered the royal chamber for the second time in two months.  
The queen took Jonathan's hand, caressing it with her own. "Jonathan, are you awake?"  
"Alanna?"  
"No, it's just me, Thayet." A smile crossed across his fading face.   
"It's been a while."  
"I know. Alanna got me to come. She should be a permanent nurse, she's so good to you."  
"She's my best friend." Thayet's unsaid prompt was noticed by her husband. "Just best friend, not lover, Thayet."  
"I know. But she's so good to you. Sometimes I wonder…If I hadn't come to Tortall…"  
"I have no regrets for my life."  
"Rubbish." The feeble man chuckled.  
"That may be true but you'll have a hard time convincing me to say otherwise."  
"We can't be." Thayet's voice was a whisper.  
"I know." Their relationship had died over the past few years, way before Jon's sickness. Only Jonathan and Thayet knew, not even Alanna was aware that they had planned to separate that year. "You should woo her."  
"Who?" It was a characteristic of Jon's to be purposely ignorant.   
"Alanna. You two are so good for each other. And now that you don't need an heir and George has gone…I think she still loves you. She still wears this." She reached for the bracelet around his wrist, charmed against being detected in sight, sound and touch. It appeared in a faint glow of blue fire. A charm they had made when they were young, he and Alanna. Each wore one and Thayet had always heard rumors but was shocked the king still wore his. "Seize the day Jon. I know you rarely are the one for that but you might die soon and never see Alanna again. She'll never know how you feel. You only live once." After that Thayet launched into a complicated conversation about court gossip with her dying ex-love.  
  
Some time later a knock sounded on the door and opened cautiously to reveal Alanna, face flushed and curls bouncy and full of life, though they sported a few gray hairs. She looked beautiful and wore a soft lilac dress and slippers. About to apologise for interrupting Alanna stood, frozen as Thayet got up in a huff and left the room. "What's with her?"  
"Jealous." Alanna eyes her King. "It's true! You look beautiful, like a goddess, when you walked in, simply magical." Alanna blushed, she was still a woman after all. Coming to his bedside she searched through the pile of books at his bed. "So my king, what shall we read tonight?" Jon grinned, "Romeo and Juliet."   
"You know I hate that! It's so depressing…"  
"At least they didn't die without telling the person they love that they loved them." Alanna shrugged and settled onto his bed, Jon's arm around her waist, head resting on her shoulder. By the end of the play Alanna had melded into his chest, his lips pressed into her hair and both were quite somber. "See, it is depressing." She told him, turning so their lips were almost touching. Just one movement, one will of passion and they would be in each other's arms, Jon thought and seized the opportunity, easing his soft lips over hers. Alanna gasped and pulled away. Gods I've missed this. The compulsive part of her mind murmured and Alanna shoved this away. "Jon, I- Um…" Jon silenced her with a hand, one she couldn't help noting would be cold and lifeless soon. "I love you. And if I am going to die soon I want you to know that." He held up the hand with the bracelet, meeting it with Alanna's that now bared the same bracelet, the signal of the love they would always share. Jon grinned at the sign and pulled his beautiful lioness back into his arms for some snuggling, reveling in her kiss.  
  
Thom of Pirates' swoop sighed and continued to stare at the picture hanging in the Royal common room. Ever since the king had fell sick and his mother by Jon's side Thom and the twins had stayed in the royal wing of the palace. The room was familiar, the Conté and Pirates' swoop children had been brought up as almost siblings but it was weird to think that the King would be gone soon, the replacement father of Thom and his siblings since the baron's death. There was even that painting taken only a few months ago, before the sickness. Ali had come back and they all had a painting done. His mother and her king stood, or rather sat on a bench, next to each other, Liane in their laps and the rose gardens surrounding them. Thayet with Liam and Jasson were on the grass in front of them; her imperial looks standing out even more than before. Ali and her twin were next to each other, by their mother's feet and the two oldest royal children were by themselves, behind and to the side of their mother. It was a good painting, the painter had been ordered not to embellish beauty or scars, and it was real. Thom frowned at the absence of his father but that was the way it was. He peered closer, examining a bracelet on Alanna's wrist and finding the same on Jon's. "Hey, Thayet!" the queen came. "What's that?" A frown crossed the queen's face and she left Thom without saying a word. "Moody thing isn't she?" he mumbled.  
  
"Father?" Kalasin entered her father's room. He sat there, alone in his dignity, sapphire blue eyes bright form the joy of seeing his daughter again. "Yes my dear?" Kally took a deep breath and voiced her worries of the past few nights. "I have noticed that recently you've been acting, well, more friendly towards Alanna than usual." Jon froze. He could either admit about he and Alanna's doings when no one was around or deny it all. His daughter would be heart broken if she heard that Jonathan no longer loved her mother and Alanna wasn't in the room at the moment so no one would get hurt, right? "There's nothing going on between us, Kally. Trust me, I don't have feelings for any woman besides your mother." He crossed his fingers behind his back. Comforted, Kally left the room after kissing her father on the cheek. For a dying man he always had the time for his family, though Alanna was always a prominent feature in his thoughts.  
  
A hot rage filled her. She was ready to kill him. The insensitive bastard vowed love to her one moment and claimed no interest behind her back! She strode forward, ready to rip his heart out of his chest with her bare hands. "Alanna, how are you my love?" This was putting salt in the wound. She gave no response and continued to race towards his bed. Whack! A hard set of knuckles met Jon's jaw with the force of a god. "Shit Alanna! What the f*ck did you do that for?" She turned to leave and he lunged forward, grabbing her dress skirts. "Alanna…"  
"You stuck-up delinquent bastard! Did you really think that you could getaway with it? Trying to make me fall in love with you while you go behind my back!? No, you listen to me Jonathan of Conté; you can go to the grave knowing that I hate you. I will never forgive you, do you understand me?! You know what? I hope you die very soon, knowing that I will hate you forever more from the bottom of my heart. You betrayed me and I hate you, forever more." She threw the bracelet they shared into the bed and he made a feeble attempt to touch her, let her know he did love her. "I hate you. There's nothing you can do to stop it." She left him.   
  
That night Alanna ignored all royal orders to come to his room and slept with troubled dreams. Thoughts of doubt on his guilt and that at least she should try to sort it out plagued her mind, but she didn't move. She woke to the news that Jonathan had died during the night, calling out her name until the end, saying he was sorry.  
Jonathan had left her a letter. At first too stricken with grief Alanna couldn't pick it up, let alone read the tear-stained words on the parchment, vowing his love to her.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*PRESENT~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Shaking her head Alanna drew her attention back to the funeral. Goddess, she just wished this were over so she could go and lie down to sleep and never wake up again. The priests and priestesses taught that it was rare that two people who knew each other in the real world would be out in the same 'village' in the Black God's realm. Of course there were the few exceptions. Within the next week Alanna had passed into His hands.  
  
A/N: I know, I know, it's really depressing but I really would like it if you review it, otherwise I'll get really upset. C-ya! 


End file.
